Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Sleep

I don’t sleep. I never have. When I was a little girl, I remember lying in my bed until I couldn’t stand it anymore, and finally going downstairs to my parents in tears. Then I’d get to lie in bed with my dad and watch TV. Somehow I’d end up asleep, I assume in my bed, because I don’t remember ever waking up in my parents’ bed. Mainly, though, I remember not sleeping.

First I go to bed and don’t sleep. I lie awake, thoughts running through my head. Sometimes I just lie there with an empty head, but I still don’t sleep.

Then I wake in the middle of the night and don’t sleep. I’ve stopped looking at the clock because it’s too depressing, so now I don’t know when it is, I only know that I’m not sleeping. I used to get up and read in the guestroom for hours, till my eyes were closing and I could finally sleep, but only for a bit.

Too early in the morning, I don’t sleep either. I don’t quite wake up, but I don’t sleep. I lie in bed, too awake to be asleep, but too stuporous to get up. I wish I were asleep.

And now my children don’t sleep. After many years, M finally goes to sleep by herself at bedtime, but then she wakes up in the night (I don’t know when, I don’t look at the clock) and comes into our room. Not every night, but just about: five, six nights out of seven, ten out of eleven.

For a long time we just let her come in our bed. Then for a short time I would take her back to her bed and check on her every five minutes till she fell asleep. Which took a long time, I don’t know how long because I don’t look at the clock, but I’d check on her again and again and she’d just look up at me, sad and awake. Now I take her back to her room and lie down with her and she falls asleep more quickly, but I don’t sleep.

E was a good sleeper till she was two, but then six months of ear infections changed that. Now every night at bedtime I lie down with her--she only wants me--and she takes forever to fall asleep. Sometimes I sleep then--it’s nice in her bed--but it’s too early to sleep so I get up and then I don’t sleep.

These days she wakes up in the night too. I settle M back to sleep and then I go back to my bed and there’s E, so I take her in our bed or go back to her bed with her. If I go back to her bed, I often sleep--it’s nice in her bed--but then I wake up and come back to our bed and don’t sleep.

Sometimes, maybe every few days, I sleep and sleep and sleep, catching up.

Long ago I remember a friend saying that I loved sleep more than anyone she knew. Yes, I said, that’s because I never do.

I don’t recommend it.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

God willing my children will inherit my husband's narcolepsy instead of my insomnia. I remember being that child too--but I wasn't allowed to wake up my mom, so I would crawl out my bedroom window and go play in the yard. When I was older, I'd do various hairstyles until I had to go to school.

I hope it gets better!

Cecily

http://zia.blogs.com/wastedbirthcontrol/

Libby said...

Ooof, sorry. We have some of that here, too. Mariah had night terrors, which makes her current insomnia seem like a blessing. I'm thinking she and I might both need relaxing yoga before bed, but I've never managed to swing it.

LilySea said...

Me too.

My partner will sometimes say "I didn't sleep well last night" and I'll say "I know" and she'll say "how do you know?" and I'll say, "I watched you get up and down and not sleep all night."

I have long since given up on getting up and down. I just lay there, bored out of my mind and roll back and forth.

I can read myself to sleep, but only for a short while. I was the flashlight-under-the-covers type of kid, myself.

I really hope I can teach my kids to sleep. I worry about it all the time. It's probably my main parent-to-be concern.